Captain Awesome at the Hot Gates... er... Urbanathlon Chicago 2008

This story began March, 2008. I started working out to lose weight and get in shape when my co-worker tells me of a race... the Men's Health Urbanathlon. I normally balk at the prospect of running/racing/whatever, but there was something different. This event involved... obstacles. Marine hurdles, barricade jumping, tunnel crawling, monkey bars (!) and other kinds of ridiculous physical challenges across 3 varying distances of running legs totaling 10 miles.

Nevermind that I wanted to be on Ninja Warrior and was training as such. Nevermind that I was overweight and trying to test my skills after working out for awhile. Something clicked in my head that made this sound just so much damn fun.

I started hitting the gym in March, fast forward to October 2008. 8:04 or so A.M. and I was off, amongst maybe another 3,000+ runners.

Some quick highlights...

First obstacle: Police Barricades/culvert crawl - banged my knee, had to resort to the belly/leg swing maneuver. Took me a little bit more than maybe 40 mins. to get there, between Lower Hutchinson Field to Navy Pier... the BACK of Navy Pier.

Next: Jogging (slowly) another few miles towards... soldier field. Why? Obviously to traverse some monkey bars and crawl (some more) under a raised truck, followed by a LONG distance under a cargo net. Actually, I did the crawling THEN the monkey bars. Best part? To preserve my shoes, I inchwormed knees/elbows, resulting in terrifying small children later because my front was covered in MUD. Handy tips kids, might wanna go with light trail running shoes. Mine were not so designed for the outdoors. I killed the monkey bars when all was said and done... in amazing fashion judging by the expression of the faces on the people watching when I finally landed. It was pretty flippin' sweet to know all my training for that paid off.

Little did I realize just how much more training would come in handy, and others in short supply. I think I was around mile 6 after that, and then the shit hit the fan. Cramps. Charlie horses. I had to stop and stretch for a few minutes, walk, stretch, lather, rinse, repeat a whole mess of times. But I wasn't going to stop. I thought about quitting for all of a few seconds, but decided to fuck that notion. I was already pissed off enough that I had to walk.

Some cursing a few miles later... I was at the Marine Hurdles. Supposedly 5 feet, more like 6. I assisted a couple of folks get over the first bar by boosting their feet, but then that left me trying to do it myself. Some sage words from the marine observer next to me, and that meant I popped up. And again. And again, nearly pancaking myself by falling face flat on the wet sand. Oh yeah, these marine hurdles were set up on WET SAND. 31st street beach love.

I found I had a couple of bruises from where my arms couldn't support my weight on the beam, but somehow I managed. A photo opportunity later, I was off and crampwalking back to... soldier field.

By this point, I've tried to reserve my leg strength because all the intel for the stair climb was foggy. We didn't know how many times up and down we were to go, or how high the sections we'd be climbing were. Never being at a Bears game live before, I couldn't even guess.

3 up, 3 down. that was basically it. I couldn't even tell you how many stairs we had to go but it was of the A LOT variety. Go up, across, down, across, up, etc. until the end ramp was there and we led back out. My thighs were screaming. I hadn't done enough stairs to prepare for this, and I felt it. Finally making it back and after enjoying the view, I was forced to stretch again, as my calves and quads were quaking and shaking all over again. Yes, I had no bananas. I had no bananas that day.

The final stretch now... for tonight I would dine in hell.

Heading out of soldier field meant 2 more miles to the finish, and only a few thoughts went through my brain-

"beer"
"Not. Last. Not. Now."
"Ow..."
"Go."

I had to stop and stretch again, then I started my final two miles back to Hutchinson. Unfortunately I noticed staff from the race falling in behind me as I went, and no one else behind me. I was about to finish last. What that meant was I had to step to and start jogging a little faster... faster... and faster still.

Eventually, I got back to the beginning, the final steps at Hutchinson park. Staggering a bit, I hunkered down and jumped over the cabs on my way to the wall. Unfortunately, I was pretty much tapped out of gas at this point so I had no arm strength left and needed help getting up and over the wall. Getting over that, I had one final sprint where I heard that last remarkable beep as my timing chip crossed the finish line. With me attached to it, for a final time of 2:44:18. I had done it. After 6 months of toil, sweat, and swearing I had crossed the finish line to my first race, my first -athlon. And then I collapsed from exhaustion, much to the amusement of my friends at the finish line.